Boxes

We have all heard the term “thinking outside the box”. Well, I want to expand on that. If you look at your individual ideology, your beliefs, that is a box. It is where your limits are set, the place where you are most comfortable. Everyone has their own box.

The question I have is, was the box built by nature or nurture? I think perhaps both, but like the individual, there is a variation of the ratio between the two. Some have more box built by society, while other have more built by their nature. There is also some harmony between the two, most times.

Where there is an issue is when the box built by nurture does not mesh with the box built by nature. For instance, a queer person. I use the term queer to be inclusive of all LGBTQIA+ folks, not as a derogatory. Just by definition, queer does not fit into society’s box, hence the term queer.

Being in the closet is like a box within a box. Many times, especially in my generation and specifically for me, that internal box was super small, dark, and shunned. It was a box too painful to examine and was kept in denial. It also kept my true self locked up in it. There was the mostly true, but really false me in the bigger box built by society and me to a certain extent, but a very important part of me was kept locked up and shunned. Hurting and wanting to bust free.

Because I swung both ways as a bisexual, I convinced myself that I could just keep the big bad gay part in the smaller box, forget it, and live a “normal” life in the straight box built by society and strengthened by me. That really doesn’t work. It took me fifty years to figure that out, but that doesn’t work.

Now we come to the here and now. The little box is gone! Thank the lord. My box is now inclusive of all of me. The issue now is defining that new box. There is also the added difficulty of that box effecting another person, whom I vowed I would love and care for until death do us part. My box does not necessarily match with what my spouse thinks it should be. My box is a BIG box with wide boundaries.

The box that my spouse wants is more inclusive than most couples can agree upon and maintain, but still restrictive. Worse of all is she wants to control that box in that it can only be the size I have been given permission to have. I feel there is also a belief by my spouse of being wronged; therefore, I should be contrite and grateful for any boon given to me.

This last paragraph is a vent and should be taken with a certain grain of salt. We have made great progress and have managed to stay together, which is more than most can say. There is, however, A LOT of work needed. The good news is that it is a work in progress and not a set in stone ultimatum. I just have to remind myself of that.

Sometimes, on bad days, I REALLY have to remind myself of that. I have to be patient, but by the same token, I have been in denial for so long, most of my life is gone. I really do not want to spend the rest of it being patient, but unhappy.

Writing this long diatribe has been helpful. If anyone reads this, I hope it helps them too.